Editor’s Note: This is a satire on extremism that takes any form.
This is a Pakpotpourri Exclusive
By: Syed Varris Hasan
I believe our laws are NOT against basic human rights in Pakistan .
Citizens of Pakistan as such have no rights; basic or otherwise. So
why the distinction ?
Some may disagree. Allow me to support my arguments.
Blasphemy law is the most popular cause in the present times and if
the present government attempts to visit it I shall join the
protestors. There is no need to go over this settled issue. It has
empowered the majority masses over the minorities in my country
( regardless of what the founder of the nation thought of them or
promised them) and all lovers of the Holy Prophet should not tolerate
any modification in it .
Advice to the government . Keep Ms. Sherry Rehman well protected .
She is vulnerable.
I love the religious tolerance in my country. Here is my secret .
Although I am not a very strict practicing Muslim I am knowledgeable
enough to talk as a Deobandi , Barelvi , Ahle Hadiz , Wahabi , Shia
or whatever as the situation demands. In diversity of knowledge lies
strength of my tongue. I have in stock a green turban , a black
turban , a white turban and some spare cloth which can be dyed at an
hour’s notice. Not to mention that my family belongs to the Hazrat
Waris Shah Silsila of Lucknow, and on suitable occasions I wear a
saffron colour turban, in the hope of being elected as a
makhdoom . I have noticed in Pakistan , that status wields big
Can one enjoy the same liberty in practicing his beliefs in any
other part of the world? I bet expatriates don’t know the
significance of so many coloured turbans , with which we are
blessed . They hardly have any choice in Mosques whereas we can go to
so many different ones.
Our great benefactor Mard e Momin Mard e Huq – AH Gen. Zia Ul Huq
( I call him Aala Hazrat – or Al Haaj), did this nation a huge favor , amongst many others, by promulgating the
ordinance which is ideal for me as a Sunni Muslim. He created Anjuman Sipah Sahaba , supported its militant wing , Lashkar e Jhangvi and made sure that Sunnis gain ascent. He marginalized Ahmedis , Christians , Hindus and Shias.
Since I am a Sunni Syed ( My late father possessed a sworn Affidavit to that effect dated 1948 ) from a long line of landed
gentry of Oudh, though I suspect my grandfather was a dispenser of herbal medicines in a Hakeem’s clinic in Lucknow, I can conjure up endless possibilities in our land of the pure .
I know my law and the prevailing environment . It can solve a lot of
Hypothetically speaking if I have a problem with Veena Malik or Meera
refusing me an audience , I could throw some torn pages
of Arabic fiction in her front garden, call up a friendly SP and the
Mullah of nearest Mosque to let them discover the crime of the lady.
An announcement on the loudspeakers of the Mohalla Mosque and the
resultant mob will carry her over their shoulders to the Police
Station. There I could bargain , not only for her audience ,
but also for cash compensation .
Look at another example . In DHA , if my next door neighbor is an
Ahmadi. I could make an offer to purchase his property at less
than 50% of the market price . If the Charlatan refuses , I could
grab him by the collar with the help
of a few acquaintances ,and if he claims to be a muslim,launch report of his false claim. He will have a choice of going to jail or giving up his pathetic house. You decide for him.
Another scenario . Let us say I have a Christian Office Boy as an
employee . He is getting insolent and tardy . A time comes when he
deserves sacking . But there is a problem. He is entitled to
gratuity and a Notice period of two months. Meanwhile I have in mind
the son of my maid servant for the same job. Every time she squats
to mop the floor , her magnificent behind is a sight for lustful
eyes, and as she swings it from side to side.
So one day I call the Attendant in my office and ask ,” Do you
know the punishment under the Blasphemy Act ? ” He is stunned , looks
bewildered for a moment and then the full import of the question
dawns on him. He profusely apologizes , pees in his pants out of
fright and commits to hold his silence. Next day he goes Absent
Without Leave and never returns to collect his dues.
Maid is delighted that I can employ her son as Office Attendant . I
am also thrilled at future prospects of his promotion to Office
Superintendent if her mother keeps squatting . Then a slight hick up
comes to light. He is a Maddrasah product and devout Muslim .
He insists on offering his prayers five times a day in a Mosque ,
which is wonderful , but adding that to his lunch break , and the
tableegh he conducts , leaves him no time for serious office work
like fetching my tea .
But I keep cool as my brilliant imagination rises to help . I gift
him a nice padded jacket from Lunda Bazaar to wear under his shirt
and tell him that a Gora Kafir ( Actually a ‘Black water ‘
operative ) is ready to embrace Islam at his hands . He keeps the
tryst . During the meet he is suddenly overcome with emotions at the
enormity of his accompalishment and faints. When he gains
conscience , he is in Gitmo , enjoying sports like water boarding in
its exclusivity , and I am richer by $5000. End of another inning on a
rather sticky wicket.
As $100 are donated to the maid for spending on learning the where
abouts of her missing son and my crocodile tears follow.
Life is wonderful in Pakistan as long as you know how to go about it
the right way , have a quick wit and a smooth tongue.
As far as I am personally concerned I am comfortable with the way
things are here . I have learned to breath in my own dirty little
pond and would probably die of infection if exposed to fresh waters
in a free/civilised society.
I will just have to keep my tail clear so that no one pulls the same
stunt on me as I am thinking to do unto others.
Long live Zia Ul Huq . Long live spiritual mentors of all sects .
Long live the Islamic Republic. Long live Blah Blah .
Aala Muqam Syed Varris Hasan Warsi Lucknavi Ba Qalm Khud
(Self declared ).
(The writer is a retired person with a vibrant sense of humour,based in Pakistan).